All Grown Up?

Everyone tells me that I don't look old enough to have a 20 year old son. I am sure they are right, since EVERYONE says it!  I had a guy ask me once if my oldest 2 boys were adopted. I get ID'd at the pub all the time. I was not a teenage mom, I had my oldest 2 months before my 20th birthday. (I know, I know, that was young and technically, I was a teenager, but I also had taken Early Childhood Development in college.)

I am flattered that people can't tell I am pushing 40. And a little annoyed. For the simple fact
that I don't look my age and I certainly don't FEEL my age. Now you are thinking "That's a good thing, isn't it?" It is I suppose.

The problem is that not only don't I feel my age, but I feel like my life isn't real. When I think really hard about it, my life seems like a big game of playing house.  Like I am pretending to be the mom, in a playhouse in the backyard.

I have been successful at most of my endeavors. I have been a school bus driver, admin assistant, business owner (twice), pharmacy technician. I have gone to school for ECD, small business/ accounting and Pharmacy technician, getting top grades.  I have been married, divorced and married again. I have one adult child, that has moved out, 2 teenage boys, 2 step kids and a baby.  I have owned 3 houses, one we built. I have done all these grown up things, I should feel like a grown up, right?

I like to think I am a good Mom. My kids are, fed and bathed, teeth brushed daily (well almost, preteen boys are surprisingly not concerned about the state of their teeth!) They are corrected when required and hugged when needed (or more than needed.... mOm!) I just don't feel like the MOM. Maybe one of the kids that is pretending to be Mom.

Over the years, this has slowly gotten better.  I no longer feel like everyone around me is older than I am, mostly because most of my mommy friends are now first or second time moms, I have become the old one in the group. Those times I actually feel OLD.  Been there, done that. And at the same time I am LOST with all the new parenting lingo and trends. Like I am doing this for the first time. But grown up? Not really. More like an imposter.

  So at what point do you start to FEEL like a grown up? I haven't gotten there yet.  Have you?