Look! Your chest is bigger than mine when you do that!

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, we get it, you're a big strong man. Now stop your stupid looking chest puffing and treat the woman you pledged your life to with respect!


This last week, I have spoken to several people about bullying and outright abuse that has been happening in relationships around me. It makes me sad, and angry, and frustrated.


Sad that these women (I am not letting women that bully their husbands off the hook here, they just all happen to be women that I know) believe they deserve to be treated this way. Angry that the men that are supposed to be taking care of them are failing so miserably and frustrated because I remember believing in that misconception and I know that right now, none of them are at a point of strength that they are ready to do something about it.


So I decided to write this post to those women in my life that are being bullied and lied to by the one person that should be swimming through shark infested waters to bring them an ice cold Pepsi.


Here are some of the lies I hear you believing, and the truth you should see behind them.




1. The lie:  "You are LAZY!"


Stop and think about this one. Really? Are you lazy? Are you not spending almost every minute of every day either doing EVERYTHING you can to not poke the bear or being pissed off and thinking of ways to poke the bear? Yeah, with preoccupation like that, no one is going to get much done.
Now think about the times you are NOT thinking about those things? What are you doing? You are bending over backwards to do everything for the bear so he doesn't look up. That doesn't sound lazy to me.


The truth: What I hear a bully say here is that you are not doing everything that they wish you would do so they don't have to do it. Uhmmm Lazy much?


My ex told me this all the time. He had no idea that I was actually so OCD about my house I was spending more time scrubbing my bathroom sinks to a shine than kissing his feet. For him, that was a problem. For me, the fact that he didn't clean the sink after brushing his teeth was a problem. However, his chest puffing and yelling got more results than my asking nicely.


2. The lie: "You are a sponge!"


This is similar to the lazy one but warrants it's own number.


SIGH!
When 2 people agree that one will make the money and the other will take care of the kids, then the one taking care of the kids is not sponging off the other.  If you agreed to be the sole bread winner, you have no right to complain that the other person is not bringing in any money. I mean, really!


The truth: Someone doesn't feel adequate to bring in all the money and maybe they need to have a chat about the spending habits of the ENTIRE household but are to busy posturing to admit they are having trouble providing for their family. A grown up would approach their partner and say "look sweetie, we just can't afford our lifestyle, we need to rethink it"


3. The Lie: "You are fat and ugly!"


Or just fat. Or just ugly. Most of the time they add that they are no longer attracted to you because you have put on a few pounds.   


Seriously? And you are a God like creature with no flaws? What about me being attracted to you sitting on the couch with your hand down your pants demanding a beer?


The Truth: Everyone ages. DUH! NOT ONE of us will be looking 20 years old FOREVER! Get over it! So you had a baby and your belly is sagging a bit. Maybe your boobs are not as perky. Guess what? His parts will be sagging soon too (sooner if he keeps drinking that beer like it is oxygen). A man that is in love with a woman will find her attractive no matter what. (granted, I am not giving you license here to put on 400 lbs and stop showering!)


4. The Lie: "I could get any woman/man in this place, and will if you aren't careful!"


Eh, maybe  they could get one or two. So could you. There are tons of people out there willing to sleep with anyone that hits on them. The true test is if they could get anyone  to STAY with them, for years. Think hard about that. Do you think anyone else would want them, being as mean as they are to you, they probably would treat the next person the same way. (Uhmmm sweetie, if that is the case, then why the heck are YOU with them?)


The truth: They know no one would stay with them, or they are under some delusion that they are a desirable catch. Really they are just threatening you. If they really thought they could get someone else, they would.  It makes them feel like big, important people when you beg them not to cheat on you.


A side note about these last 2: My ex used to tell me all the time that I was fat and ugly. I believed him because I knew I was over weight and was disgusted with myself. When I finally left him after 15 years, the first woman he dated was old, saggy and leathery. She was NOT skinny. I realized that if THAT was hot, then I was so glad I was NOT HOT!


5. The Lie: "I'm going to leave you/ divorce you!"


Then go. What is stopping you? If you really don't want to be here, then leave. Oh wait, No? You don't want to? Then stop threatening. If you keep thinking about getting out, then you are not putting 110% in so the failure of this relationship is YOUR fault, not mine.


The truth: They are scared you will leave first. So they threaten. They know they treat you like crap. They probably can't believe you take it like a champ! They just don't want to be rejected so if they say it first, even if you do leave, they can say it was their idea.


6. The Lie: "If you leave me, I will call Social Services and tell them you are a crappy parent! They will take the kids."


Let me say this and be very clear. If you are BEING a crappy parent, you deserve to have SS called. HOWEVER, social services will not take your kids if you are doing everything in your ability to take care of them properly.


This threat makes me laugh. What do you think will really happen when child services shows up at the door? BOTH OF YOU WILL BE INVESTIGATED. Do you think that when you tell SS WHY you left them, SS will not investigate them? Then you have the chance to report things you should have already reported.  I equate this threat to a criminal breaking into a persons house and threatening to call the cops if the homeowner doesn't put down their gun and let them take whatever they want.


The truth: They don't want you to leave. If you leave, who will they push around?  They will say anything to not have you leave them and they know you are feeling inadequate as a parent. Quite possibly because they have told you that you are.  But then with all this lying, maybe they were lying about that too!


7. The lie: "You're a liar!"


Seriously? You can say that to me?


My ex was good at this one. He would ask me a question 16 different ways and then if the words didn't match up perfectly he would twist them and then it would become a lie. I got to the point that I would start to make stuff up just to mess with his head.


And here's a heads up for you.... If someone thinks they will get into trouble and get yelled at and are so sick of being yelled at, they will lie. To save their skin. If you yell at someone for enough stupid crap, they will LIE to get you to stop! If they are scared of you, they will lie! So the more you bully someone, the more you will be lied to.


The truth: They are the liar. They are probably hiding something. They are definitely telling you things that are not true. I mean there are 7 of them in this post so far!


8. The lie: "I will hurt/ kill your family!"


It is true, they may think they can. They may even intend to. However, they have little ability to actually do that. This is one that is keeping a certain mother of grown children with an extremely abusive man. She is terrified he will go after her kids. Thing is, they can take care of themselves and are much more worried about her than they are of this coward coming after them.


The truth: Uttering death threats is a crime and they can be charged just by saying they will kill someone.  Same with assault.


Ironic thing is that some of her children already have a restraining order against this guy for just that. He has been charged and is awaiting trial and yet she still believes this one.


9. The lie: "You embarrass me!"


Well this one might be true, though chances are, you are just as embarrassed with their behavior.


My ex told me that he had every right to go the bar and stay out all night on my birthday, when I was sick, because I embarrassed him (AND Because I am petty, I am going to state here that I had a migraine and was very nauseous and he insisted we go to a specific restaurant for my birthday,  made me sit with a bunch of people I had NO idea who they were until he was yelling at me that I embarrassed him in front of his clients, and he insisted I eat the raw oysters. Apparently I was very rude and didn't talk to anyone at the table..... 'cause I was trying to not PUKE on them! ) Years later, I implied that I didn't want to go to a family camp out because he behaved badly at the last one and he was irate that I was embarrassed by him! How DARE I?


The truth: Partners are embarrassed by each other sometimes. An adult would either not mention it or politely bring it up in private and maybe even request that it doesn't reoccur.


10. The lie: "You make me angry/hit you/yell!"


Do you have a gun to their head? Do they still HAVE to do it even if you did?  And honestly, if you had a gun to their head, would you be asking them to yell at you?


The truth: Everyone has a choice. They CHOOSE to act this way. They CHOOSE to become angry. They CHOOSE to have a temper tantrum in the mall like a 2 year old. They CHOOSE to call you names, berate you, belittle you, lie to you, yell at you.... Hit you. No matter what you did, they made the choice to act the way they did. You may have been completely in the wrong, and their reaction is still their CHOICE. And so is yours.


You also have the choice to not believe their lies. You have the choice to react or not. To leave or not. You also have the choice to call them out on their lies and let them know you will not be walked on any longer.


Please do not believe the biggest lie of all, that you are not worth the shark infested waters.  The truth is:  You are definitely worth it!  There are people in the world that LOVE you and WOULD swim those waters for you! No matter how alone you feel, you are not alone.